so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Randomize
