I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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