Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Two words: blizzard sex
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
