apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
