I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
