So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
