What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
