sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
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