Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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