Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
