i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize