another moral hangover. fuck.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
