he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
