The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I wish you could order shots online.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
