you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
