it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
