Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
