I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Randomize
