you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Randomize
