I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
