i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
