he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Randomize
