somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Randomize
