Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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