his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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