Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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