everyone is single if you try hard enough
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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