whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
