Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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