He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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