Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
