I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
