Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
