I can text with my tongue
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Randomize
