I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
