Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
