If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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