i permit you to call me
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
