I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
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and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
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Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.