he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
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On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
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his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place