Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised