I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.