Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
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During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
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like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Drunk is not a location!
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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