either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
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