about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
