: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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