So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
