Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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