She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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