OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
