I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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