It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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