Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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