dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
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