I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Boobs speak an international language.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
