I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Randomize
