So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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