its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
