is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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