I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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