how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
