I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
His nipple licking is glorious
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