Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
