Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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