I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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