Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize
