Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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